


You chose her over me

by Margorobron



Category: Emmerdale, Robert Sugden/ Aaron Dingle
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-05
Updated: 2016-06-05
Packaged: 2018-07-12 10:45:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7099666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Margorobron/pseuds/Margorobron
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the aftermath of a terrifying night in the police cells, Robert is faced with the knowledge that once again, Aaron put Liv before him. How could he deal with that knowledge and how could he also deal with his worst nightmare in the wake of it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	You chose her over me

**Author's Note:**

> Having felt betrayed yet again, Robert realises that despite his belief that he loves Aaron so much that it hurts, he still can’t give himself over completely, because of his fear that no one could really love him and he must make sure that he has something in place so that he doesn’t drown when the inevitable happens.
> 
> I’m still on the defensive for the way Robert is being treated!

Robert didn’t know what to think at first. He was angry, he was so hurt, he felt betrayed, he felt worthless, because despite everything, he was still on his own, with no one who cared about him.  
He had just experienced the night from hell. Amazingly,considering his colourful life, he had never before stayed a night in a police cell. Any time he had had dealings with the police, he managed to work his way out of it, whatever it was, guilty or not guilty. He couldn’t believe that this had actually happened to him. He had spent the whole night trying to make sense of the situation. He had foolishly bribed Ryan, a young neighbour of Aaron’s father to give a false statement to the police. Robert would be the first to admit that it wasn’t the best idea he had ever had, but it possibly did help get the case to court even though the boy didn’t actually testify in the end. Even Chas had seen the main purpose of his action. He had been trying to help Aaron. He had paid the boy far too much cash to keep quiet about the incident once he discovered that Liv had overheard a conversation about it and Ryan seemed happy to leave it at that. He did all right out of it anyway. Now, the whole nasty business had come to light again and what’s worse, he had gone straight to the police with the information. Robert wracked his brains. What was he missing? Nothing had changed regarding the circumstances, apart from Gordon being dead of course, but how could that possibly concern Ryan? Robert had sat in the cell with his head in his hands trying so hard to focus and go over everything from the beginning. Chas had asked him to do something to help Aaron. He didn’t need a second bidding. He knew Chas wasn’t bothered if it were legal or not. After all she did have Cain for a brother. Did he actually know the meaning of legal? Robert didn’t do it for Chas, of course. It was all for Aaron. Everything he did these days seemed to be in support of Aaron. Right now that thought was hanging very heavily around his neck. He had known he was risking prison if he got found out. He was willing to take the chance, partly because he usually managed to wangle his way out of most things, partly because he wanted to prove to Chas that she could trust him to be in Aaron’s life because he genuinely cared so much about him and partly because he almost ached with love for Aaron and all that he was going through, so anything which could help he was willing to try. But that was then and this is now.  
They let him out on bail this morning and he had never been so relieved in his life. He knew it wasn’t over by any means and he could be taken back in at any time, but at least he was allowed to go home. He had headed straight to the pub thinking that Aaron might be there and he expected him to be worried about him. Had the situation been reversed, he would have been going out of his mind by now.  
When he walked in to the back room, he saw Aaron almost hanging on to his phone for sheer life. He assumed he had been calling the police station for information, just as he would have expected. It was not long after that that Robert had had another go at his unsolvable puzzle. Why now? If this had been festering all this time, what was so vital about now which had changed Ryan’s mind?  
It was as he was talking to Aaron that the pieces suddenly fitted in to place.  
Ryan had a genuine interest in money. Let’s face it, he had never had much of it and any contribution would greatly enhance his funds. But who would be interested in giving him money and what possible motive could they have? That was his light bulb moment. All of the facts suddenly added up. Someone knew about Ryan. Someone who had cash to splash around. Someone whose purpose must have been to get at him, in fact to get him out of the picture even.  
Oh my God! There was one person who qualified on all counts and had been known to have been in the neighbourhood of Aaron s father on that very day! It was Liv! He shared this realization with Aaron as he set off to find her, but that was when the next nightmare began. He realised they Aaron already knew! He said he only found out after the arrest so couldn’t do anything, but even so, instead of watching his back, he chose Liv over him. He couldn’t believe it. He walked out.  
This was why he now found himself walking to the Scrap yard. He didn’t trust himself to drive as he had so many thoughts and feelings running through that he felt his head was about to explode.  
He knew that Liv had seen Ryan and she had so much money she would have probably paid him a ridiculous amount.  
(You chose her over me)  
She had made no attempt to hide the fact that she hated him. She loathed him so much she would do anything to get rid of him -well this proves it, right?  
(You chose her over me)  
He thought he mattered to Aaron. He thought he loved him, in spite of all the bad things he had been responsible for, so bad that he couldn’t bring himself to think about them right now.  
(You chose her over me)  
He thought he was his soul mate. He thought they would be growing old together.  
But he chose her over me!  
What the hell is that all about? Why does that keep coming into his head?  
Robert had finally reached the Scrap yard. He had been walking at a fair pace keeping up with his thoughts. He had decided the best way to get all of this out of his system was to smash up some metal. It was a really warm day and the front door of the porta cabin was open telling him that Adam was working inside. He picked up a heavy weight hammer and attacked the nearest item. After a minute, a head peered around the office door. Adam headed towards Robert.  
“Hello mate,” he greeted Robert. “Wasn’t expecting you today.”  
“Ah well” said Robert, continuing his mission. “Life is full of surprises.”  
“And why do I get the feeling this isn’t a nice surprise” added Adam.  
“You could be right!” Robert replied and carried on banging.  
“You were so happy yesterday,” Adam continued. “We were so pleased for you!”  
“Yes well that was then. “Robert snapped.  
“Any point asking if you want to talk about it?' asked Adam.  
“Nope” came the reply.  
“Ok then “said Adam.” I’ll go back to my paper work. You know where I am if you change your mind” and he left him to it.  
Robert continued to thrash the metal as his thoughts played over again.  
He had reason to feel angry. This was his boyfriend for god’s sake.  
He had reason to feel hurt. If someone knows you would do anything for them, shouldn’t you expect something back? Not that he ever had, until now.  
He heard a car screech to a halt somewhere near him but he continued with his train of thought.  
He had a right to feel betrayed. He had taken her side over him and that was becoming the norm now. (You chose her over me) There it is again! Why is that forever playing in his head!! It’s annoying him.  
He felt as though he mattered so little to Aaron now and Aaron was supposed to be all he’s got. Well that doesn’t say much does it!  
And look how much effort he was putting in to not throwing sarcasm at Liv all the time. He had even come out of the funeral service to make sure she was ok. Why did he bother? After all that, she had tried once again to get him out of Aaron’s life and this time she might even succeed.  
And amongst all of this, there go his own words again repeating in his head. Why?  
You chose her over me. Well it was true wasn’t it!  
He suddenly became aware that Aaron was standing right beside him. He stopped hammering and looked in his general direction, avoiding eye contact.  
“What do you want? “he asked.  
“What do you think? “Aaron asked softly.  
“I can’t believe it’s all happening again. One day of happiness and I’m paying for it, again.”  
“I know and I’m sorry, “said Aaron quietly.  
“I am meant to be important in your life” Robert stated.  
“You are “replied Aaron.  
“I might be facing prison Aaron, “Robert said, the terror already showing in his voice.  
“I know” said Aaron, “but I have a little sister who has been through hell and I am her guardian. I am responsible for her. I have to protect her”.  
Suddenly the penny dropped. Those words. He shouldn’t have said them. It was too late for anything to be done when Aaron found out. What was he supposed to do? Liv is a little girl. She might be 14 going on 24 but really she is just a little girl, a very mixed up, insecure little girl and Aaron is her guardian. Imagine if Vic were in the same situation. What would he do? - and he had never been her guardian. His thoughts had been trying to tell him this.  
“I know” he said to Aaron.  
“She shocked me when I found out what she had done. I wanted to shake her and shout at her and tell her how much she had hurt me by hurting you, but I had to stop myself.”  
“I can imagine” said Robert.  
“I wasn’t taking sides. I wasn’t choosing her over you. I was just being her responsible adult trying to deal with what she had done.”  
“I know” said Robert.  
“I ……wait! What did you say? “It suddenly dawned on Aaron that he wasn’t getting the response he was expecting.  
“I know. You were doing what was right, sorting out your little sister. I would’ve done the same. I have a little sister too. I would shift hell or high water for her, even now if the situation arose and she isn’t a very vulnerable teenager. Make the most of it while I am being reasonable!” Robert said.  
“Robert, believe me I was devastated when they took you away. You have no idea how much I need you and I could see you being taken away from me. I must have rung the police station about 10 times. Luckily different people picked up the phone or they would have been arresting me for wasting police time.”  
Robert managed a small smile at this.  
“Are we ok? Again? I know what you are saying and I’m sorry if it looks like I only care about Liv, but that really isn’t true.” Aaron had one more try to I explain.  
“We’re ok.” said Robert. “You couldn’t have done anything anyway and you can’t turn your back on Liv. She is your responsibility. I thought today was going to be the first day of a new lifestyle for the three of us and then all this happens.”  
“Liv did say she was very sorry and she had tried all afternoon to get hold of Ryan and call it off but he wasn’t answering his phone. She said if she had known that you were going to start being nice to her,………!”  
Robert again gave a slight smile.  
“I’m just living in hopes that there will be no evidence. I was careful not to leave a trail,” he said.  
“She did say she would go to the police and say she had changed her mind, but that would have been pointless. It might even have made it worse.”  
“Probably” Robert agreed. After a pause, Robert decided to try to put things right by renewing his faith in what he and Aaron had together. “Do you think we might go out for dinner tonight?” he asked. “Dare I say just the two of us? “He then added quietly, “We don’t know if we will be able to do that for much longer”  
“Rob, don’t say that!” Aaron raised his voice. ”Please don’t even think about that.”  
“I am trying to ignore it, but it is a possibility, as you very well know.” Robert took both of Aaron’s hands in his. “Can I please ask you to do this for me?”  
Aaron looked into Robert’s eyes and saw so many emotions running through them.  
He removed one of his hands from Robert’s grasp and caressed his cheek. Robert let out a big sigh and turned to kiss Aaron’s hand. Aaron drew him into a hug.  
“I can’t live without you. Why don’t you believe that?”  
“I do “said Robert.  
“You say you do Robert,” said Aaron, pulling out of the hug, but it’s not really true is it.”  
“It is”, insisted Robert.  
“No, no it’s not. And it’s to do with me. I know I’ve been all for Liv and I’ve said I’m sorry about that but this is more than that. This is something very deep. It’s about you as much as it is about me. I’m right, aren’t I. Well? “  
Robert moved away from Aaron and perched on a car nearby, hands pushed deep into his jacket pockets, eyes lowered.  
Aaron went over towards him.  
“Tell me. What’s it about? I want to sort it. Is it...is it because I said we should go slow?”  
Robert shook his head.  
“So it’s because of Liv after all is it?”  
Robert shook his head.  
“Ok it’s because I lose it and send you away every time. I know that’s not fair. Of course it’s not, but somehow I can’t help it. They say you always lash out at those closest. It’s even frustrating for me! I’m sorry. I don’t mean to do it. It is that is it?”  
Robert shook his head.  
“Rob come on! I don’t know what you’re getting at. Just tell me. I want to fix this.” After another shake of the head, Aaron had had enough. He sat down on the bonnet beside Robert.  
“Look at me” he said and again a little louder, “Look at me!”  
Robert's head turned with a quick flash of eye contact before he focused on something behind Aaron’s right shoulder.  
Aaron rested a hand on each of Robert's arms. “I know this is important,” he says. “It is, isn’t it.”  
Robert lowered his gaze, ending up somewhere on Aaron’s s arm just above his hand.  
“I can’t do this right now,” he said.” I’m sorry.” He stood up, Aaron’s hands dropping suddenly. He started to walk away.  
“Where are you going?” Aaron asked.  
“Home,” Robert replied.  
“Where’s your car? How did you get here?” Aaron called after him.  
“I walked”, was the reply.  
“Well hang on then. I’ll drive you down” Aaron started walking after Robert, but Robert carried on walking.  
“Robert! And they say I’m stubborn? Robert!”  
Robert carried on walking back towards the village and didn’t slow his pace when he became aware of a car cruising up to him with the window down.  
“Robert please! Get in the car” he called. “How can you say we are ok and then do this?”  
Robert stopped and slowly turned towards the car as Aaron opened the door. He got in and did up the seat belt.  
“I will drop you home if that’s what you want, but can we just go somewhere?” pleaded Aaron. “Somewhere quiet. Don’t you think I have a right to know about whatever this is? Something is hurting you this much and I don’t know what it is.”  
After a pause Aaron continued. “Ok I will drop you home if that’s what you really want,” he said and released the handbrake to drive off,” but I am pleading with you to go somewhere quiet with me and explain this. Please?”  
Robert nods.  
“Where do you want to go? To yours? To mine? For a drive? You name it.”  
“Can we go to yours?” Robert asked softly.  
“Of course we can,” Aaron nodded, relieved.  
Aaron drove to the pub and parked up. He got out straight away and waited for Robert, who got out slowly. He followed Aaron around to the back and they went through to the back room.  
“Here or upstairs?” asked Aaron and Robert motioned towards the stairs so they both went silently up to the bedroom, the same bedroom in which they had shared much happier times. Aaron held the door as Robert went in and sat on the bed. Aaron closed the door and then went over and crouched in front of Robert, his hands on his knees, expectantly, but Robert sat silently, his eyes fixed past Aaron on the carpet. Finally, Aaron spoke.  
“Ok this isn’t going to work is it. “  
He stood up and kicked off his shoes, removing his hoodie and T shirt before discarding them on the chair.  
“Arms up” he said to Robert, followed by “Just trust me, please.” Robert lifted up his arms and Aaron removed his shirt.” Take your shoes off,” he demanded and Robert obeyed.  
“Right. On the bed!” he said and again Robert obeyed moving over to allow space for Aaron, before he had even asked him to. Aaron also climbed on to the bed and took Robert in his arms.  
“There’s no agenda here Rob,” he said. “This is our very best way of communication. If you really can’t tell me I will have to wait, but I do want to know so that I can try to put this right.” Aaron said gently, talking past Robert’s left ear. Robert put his arm around Aaron and took in his personal scent which he always found so calming. Aaron began to run his hand across Robert's back gently and Robert relaxed and closed his eyes.  
“I love you so much” he whispered.  
“I know you do “Aaron replied” and I love you too. You know I do. I have loved you with a passion for over a year.”  
“And that is the most amazing thing of all,” said Robert quietly. “How could anyone love me? No one ever loves me. Only one person loved me and Andy took her away from me. She never cared what I did. She always stood up for me. She was always there for me. I should’ve gone to live with her. I think she would have let me too, but no, I had to stay with my dad. I got sent away, all on my own, with nothing and no one for the journey. I had to find my way in a big world full of emptiness. I wasn’t allowed to even contact my mum. I just had to disappear. Nobody cared about me. I suppose the first one who did was Chrissy and she assumed I loved her too. I did in my own way but always in the back of my mind was the knowledge that this wouldn’t last because it never could. No one could love me. So I couldn’t give the deepest part of me over to her, because sooner or later she would realise that she didn’t really love me at all and I had to make sure I didn’t get hurt when that happened. But then my world turned upside down. I had feelings I had never had before and they were encroaching on the deep down door which had to stay locked. And I was scared. I couldn’t handle it. I can’t let that door open. I’m too scared. Once that door is open there’s no turning back. The dam will break and I will drown unless the one who opened it saves me from drowning. But how can anyone love me enough to do that. No one can love me. Not deep enough to save me from drowning. And I will lose everything and never be able to swim to the surface. “  
Robert closed his eyes and tightened his link to Aaron. There was silence until the reply came in the gentlest voice Robert had ever heard.  
“When you go down and open that door look for me. I will be there, biding my time, waiting for the bolt to be drawn back. I will hold you and bring you up with me to the surface and wait while you breathe in the fresh clear air. And you will have me supporting you all the way up and swimming with you so that you cannot drown. And you cannot lose your way. I promise that I love you enough to allow me to be down there with you. Never think that I am too shallow to be there, because however much I push you away, however much I seem to put others before you, you are the one who will remain deepest in my heart. And I cannot get you out even if I tried and believe I have tried. That’s my one constant in my life which I cannot change. That’s how deep my love is for you. My door deep down is unlocked already and only you have the key. Whatever it looks like on the surface, however much of a prat I am being, you will always have that key. No one else has ever had it and no one ever will. Only you. “  
Aaron moved back a bit from the tight hug he held Robert in and put both hands on his cheeks so that they could make eye contact, his own face as wet as Robert's. He drew Robert’s face towards him and kissed both of his eyes and then his mouth before Robert returned the kiss fully and put his hands on Aaron’s cheeks, as Aaron took his hands away and rested them gently on Robert s arms, as the kiss continued.  
Roberts deepest fear was a thing of the past.


End file.
